Orgasm in a bottle.

While at the drug store the other day, I found some bottles of old school Herbal Essences shampoo and conditioner. So I bought them. And washed my tresses with them.

Now my head smells like a 65 year old woman's bathroom. Excellent.

Old Friends

Lisa: Hi, Sleep. I'm Lisa. It's nice to meet you.
Sleep: Nice to meet you too.
Lisa: Wait a sec... you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
Sleep: Yeah, I was gonna say...
Lisa: Wait!... You're that vital biological process that I used to engage in regularly every night!
Sleep: Oh my gosh, you're right!
Lisa: Holy cow, it's so great to see you again. Hey, why don't we hang out anymore?
Sleep: Oh well, you know you started going to college, and I... well, I'm just the fictitious personification of an act. It's hard for me to make these kinds of plans and keep commitments. You understand how it is.
Lisa: Right... Hey! Can we hang out tonight?
Sleep: Actually, I've got a date with Breathing... and you've got that paper due tomorrow. So probably not. Here! Let me give you a couple of my friends' numbers. I'm sure they'd be up for hanging out tonight. Their names are Coffee and Loneliness. They're really cool guys...

A letter

Dear people who walk at an uncomfortably close distance behind me on my way to class,

Stop that! Don't make me get out the bitch slappin's...

Sincerely,
The Bitch