"Chaaarlie! That really hurt."

Holy shit, I want a British baby... right now.

"Back to school, back to school...

... to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool."

The day Adam Sandler stopped making mindless, immature, hilarious-when-only-when-you're-drunk movies was the day a bit of my soul died. It flaked right off and floated to the cold, hard earth. Then it produced a single tear before being swept away by a rogue wind from the east.

I hate the first day of classes (which was today) because I hate going over syllabuses and doing ice breakers. I have done more ice breakers since I came to Cornell than you can shake a stick at. Go ahead. Try and shake that stick at them all. There is no way you'll be able to do it. No. Way. I think I'm going to rely on blatant lies if someone asks me about myself again.

Two truths and a lie.

I once killed a man using an electric toothbrush and ball of yarn.

I keep his severed thumbs in the glove compartment of my El Camino.

I have a kitty named "Mr. Boogaloo".

That would send them all... into an awkward state. Really that's all I've ever wanted... along with wealth and power... and a mistress or two.

*throws list of classes at you to give this post a purpose*
-Physics
-Organic Chemistry (and lab... *vomit*)
-Macro-economics
-Introduction to Global Health
-Spanish for Health and Medical Professionals

Lustings

It's funny, because Michael Cera doesn't really fit in with my other man-crushes (Bear Grylls, Leonidas). But I would still have his dorky little Canadian babies if he asked me to... nicely. And we would name them dorky Caucasian names, like Edgar and Simon.

Learning About the Female Body: Lesson 1

Boobs suck because boobs hurt. Randomly. When you least expect it. It doesn't matter if you let them be free or strap them down under multiple layers of sports bras, they will still be whiny little bitches.

If all the parts of the female body were actually different female personalities, boobs would be the high-maintenance, New Jersey girls.

(Oh yeah. I went there...)